we don't truly commit to relationships anymore
maybe we should
This article is intended for women who have been in therapy and/or studied relationship pop-psych online. It is intended for those who struggle with relationship anxiety, and as a broad look at how millennials and Gen Z view relationships.
In an era where so many women experience relationship anxiety (the chronic wondering if one is settling and only in their relationship due to trauma, or fear of being alone), there are many cures proposed to ‘heal’. From breath work, to therapy, to meditation and more — by and large, most of it doesn’t work. One issue is that it isn’t implemented properly due to our damaged attention spans and lack of consistency. Another is that often, access to quality help (for the duration required for real change) is too expensive or time-demanding. Many resort to snippets of information online or talk-therapy that’s nice, but hasn’t helped quite enough. We live in a world where ‘healing’ has become a gamble of our resources: it’s time and money.
Many women are left leading their relationships: they try to direct their partners into doing better, being better based on their own development and research. By and large, they are left feeling exhausted, even more anxious, and like the only solution may be to break up.
In this article, I propose why this occurs and one example of what you can do instead: practice (at least temporarily — a contradiction in itself) the art of commitment. It’s free and available for you to contemplate and trial for yourself.
‘Commitment’ isn’t quite a dirty word in the relationship development space: it’s used when suitable to the creator’s point. But commitment comes across as vanilla at best, and unsafe at worst. In a world where your understanding of relationships, boundaries, toxicity etc could change tomorrow due to something you saw from the Holistic Psychologist or others, no relationship (including those with friends and family) is safe from the chopping board. Our relationship landscape is unpredictable, and the changing standards of ‘best relationship’ or even ‘bare minimum’ or ‘healthy,’ are tough to keep up with. We’re always learning something new about what’s right and wrong.
We are told this is a good thing. We’re told that our relationships and lives will be better as a result. It’s not that they aren’t! It’s not that there is zero value in these concepts, or the knowledge and evolution it inspires — but the pendulum has swung very far in the development direction, and an average relationship is now considered a bad relationship.
We are confused about the difference between gaslighting and poor communication. We are confused about general relationship dysfunction and abuse. We are confused where the line is between fix-able issues between two humans with trauma backgrounds, and what relationships should have ended months (if not years!) ago.
We are confused about narcissism — are we with a narcissist?! In the same breath, we are passive aggressive (still practicing techniques like ignoring a partner, punishing them by withdrawing, waiting to be chased, saying “I’m fine” when not), and justify this behaviour as “not that bad” or as necessary and provoked.
No one wants to speak about the over-identification of narcissism, because what if there is a real narcissist slipping under the radar, and you are justifying their negative behaviour? No one wants to speak about the over-identification of toxicity, because what if it ruins someone’s life, and they ARE toxic!?
All the while, we ingest hours of content about boundaries, masculine energy, communication, defensiveness, red flags, and more. Often, we use this as ammunition. We saw the answers to the relationship homework, and now we’re out to demand respect! It’s sticky, because OF COURSE we deserve that respect! But the way we go about it is often disrespectful - and not just in the way of ‘respecting a man’ - it’s frankly poor communication at best and abusive in itself at worst.
We have created a villain and a victim. Normally, we paint ourselves as the victim, and this victim is tip-toed around in most internet content, which allows this dysfunction to continue. Those who are in average relationships (that yes, contain aspects of bad behaviour from both parties, but are NOT pathologically abusive) suffer in no-mans land: not broken up, yet not truly committed and together.
Women in these relationships err on the side of caution - dipping their toes into a relationship, submerging to their shoulders… just never going under. They slap the label of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ on their relationship and call it commitment. If anyone asked if they were in a committed relationship, they’d say yes! They know their boyfriend would agree they are, too.
Under the label of ‘girlfriend’ is a relationship lived almost entirely in their heads, overthinking and obsessing. They’re forever figuring out if it’s right or wrong as both time and life passes them by. It’s no way to live or love.
Sure, we could also put this commitment problem to fidelity issues in past relationships, and the supposed ease of entertaining a new connection through dating apps, but we are going to assume both people have grown past those paths. Both people are trying in some way to make this a lasting connection and have discussed marriage, children, and expressed long-term desire.
If you’ve been ‘committed’ for at least six months to a year, and you’re still half in and half out, I invite you to consider the art of commitment.
Let’s talk about commitment…
Example 1:
Only two weeks ago, my fiancé and I signed a 6-month lease. Despite cold feet at every step of the process — fears about the area, the price, the lease agreement etc — we signed. In signing, we committed to staying here for our lease period. Even on the days I think I’d be happier in Bali, in Mexico, or on the freaking moon, I’ll find a way to re-choose our place because of the power of commitment. There is ALWAYS an option to leave any situation. It’s the power of my commitment - the fact that I know I chose this for a reason and saw value in sticking it out - that I know will keep me here.
Example 2:
Last year when I was teaching, I committed to a Year 6 class. Many people commented how noble it was that I fulfilled the year, because I could have moved half-way through when my fiancé was offered a job in a different state. I entertained leaving, but my initial commitment had power. Before I signed the contract (which I could end at any time with two-weeks notice), I envisioned myself at the end of the school year, sending my students off to high school and enjoying the fun end-of-year celebrations. I could see their faces, feel their potential, and envisioned making a lasting impact on their lives. My commitment (that stirred eight months before my fiancé’s job offer) had so much power that I lived alone for 3-months, while my fiancé worked 20 hours away. In my mind, breaking such a commitment should only occur if absolutely forced and necessary. I’d do anything (including putting my emotional and financial wellbeing at a disadvantage) to fulfil my commitment - not just out of pleasing others or contractual agreements - but because of the fire the commitment lit within me.
When it comes to relationships, committing to forever is impossible to truly grasp and comprehend. Do we really contemplate it in its entirety? Do we think about it deeply enough? I’d argue, no.
Even when making the so-called ultimate commitment of marriage, we know most end in divorce. The vibe is: things could change! Maybe he’s a bad person or will become a bad person! You just never know! The lack of guarantee shelters us from ever really thinking about what it means to sign up to forever. And no one is saying we should be forced to stay!
So how do we navigate having the option to leave, yet being committed? Should we even commit at all? Is there value in committing? Or is commitment itself a thing of the past? An old tradition with no place in modern life?
I’d like to argue that it does, and that our lack of commitment drives relationship anxiety. It is the leading factor to someone becoming and staying anxious around their partner being ‘the one’. People will say it’s our partner’s behaviour. If we are committed, they’ll just act however they want! Again, it is this assumption of the worst: the attitude that our partner is out to get us, or could be, and that to suggest otherwise is dangerous. It takes an open mind to entertain the possibility of the opposite.
When we don’t actively create a sense of commitment, we feel anxious. It’s the type of anxiety that does not go away with therapy, because it’s a lack of decision. We don’t trust ourselves to make decisions (many of my past relationship clients have noted not being able to choose a nail colour for a manicure without anxiety, amongst other examples of chronically doubting themselves), and so how do we expect ourselves to make a decision about forever? We soothe ourselves with reminders that we can always leave, yet it’s simultaneously not soothing at all.
We become reliant on someone else to make our decisions — should I commit? We take our stories and circumstances to our therapist, family, friends, and even run it (in our own minds) while watching various online or TV/movie content.
Even if we arrive at a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s short-lived. His mother is coming to visit… what about now? Should I commit if he does X? But what if Y? Let alone real life challenges financially (losing money, economic issues) or emotionally (grief, depression etc).
Again, we are made to believe the endless opportunities for commitment choice serves us well. Supposedly, if you can always leave, then you’re always safe. And there is an aspect of choosing and re-choosing a partner that has value! But many of us are in a rocky boat of triggers with a stronger and smarter internal judge than any generation before. We run every situation (especially normal circumstances that most relationships experience like mother-in-law problems, money problems etc) through our pop-psychology education, and throw in an anonymous question to someone online or a Reddit thread for good measure. “Am I the asshole??”
We’ve become addicted to reassurance, and we’ve become addicted to borrowing confidence from others. When we cannot make our own decisions or trust our own moral direction, because we don’t feel educated enough or capable, then we must borrow our decision from someone who seems confident in their decision.
Example 1:
A friend comments that he’s a good guy based off a story we vented to her, so we feel good for a while. She said it so confidently… it must be true! We borrow her confidence.
Example 2:
A therapist says “it sounds like healthy communication” - we feel good for a while. She has a psychology degree! She must know! She says it so confidently. We borrow her confidence.
Example 3:
We resonate with an online figure’s stories and advice - we feel good for a while. You think: she is happy and super in love — they’re not too different from me and my boyfriend! She seems so confident… We borrow her confidence.
But it never lasts. It can’t. It doesn’t fully belong to us. It didn’t originate in our mind, and the ideas that do originate in our mind are the ones we feel chronically unsure of.
Before long, a transgression or trigger occurs, and we begin to wonder what our friend, therapist, or that online figure would think about THIS situation! The head-y analysis returns, and so does the insecurity.
As a result, we are easily offended and fragile with our partners — we don’t want to trigger this commitment anxiety! We don’t feel the thread of commitment that makes the rocking of the relationship boat just that: rocking! Just some turbulence! Something that could be resolved and forgotten in five minutes ends up feeling as though the boat is sinking and the plane is crashing. We feel we’re about to be deserted in the middle of the ocean.
Back to how commitment feels…
Example 1:
On the days teaching was hard (and despite knowing I could never step foot in my classroom or see those kids faces again!), I knew I would problem-solve and make it work tomorrow. Realistically, I could get a doctor’s note for stress, take sick leave, and give my notice. I made a decision not to do that, poured my resources into relaxing and bringing myself relief (with varying degrees of success), and fronted my issues the next day.
Example 2:
On days I feel unsure if I want to live in Queensland (Australia), I remember I’m here for a reason and choose to be present and make the most of it. I could literally pack my stuff, move my money out of my account, and fly to Timbuktu! But since I know I’m not doing that (at least not today), the only option that makes sense is to pour my resources into feeling good and relaxing (bringing relief in any way I can!) — anything else is a trap of analysis, reassurance seeking, and spiralling.
This type of mindset is frowned upon when it comes to relationships - WHY?! Because we believe our relationships are a measure of how good we are at being a ‘conscious human’. We believe trying ‘too hard’ (whatever ‘too hard’ is defined as) is dangerous and signals a lack of virtue. We’re shamed into thinking we are screwing ourselves (and the world!) by staying in our relationship — don’t you know you’re repeating a generational cycle?! How dare you.
So we buy into relationship problems as ‘make or break’ or ‘do or die’ issues. We feel confused — do I stay or leave? Am I committed? Should I be? Can an adult or all-knowing God please help?! We even consult our Oracle cards.
Meanwhile, our pile of dreams rots in the corner. Time passes. We find a journal from March 2023 stating “I’m just not sure about him…” We realise we could write the exact same thing today.
Here’s my suggestions:
Feel what commitment feels like for you… what have you committed to now or in the past? Think through those examples, and pay attention — how does it work?
Choose one generational cycle you WON’T break. Choose one red flag you just don’t give a crap about. Just allow it to be. What happens when you let yourself and him be imperfect? You are going to mess up regardless, so why not just choose something to deliberately mess up? Now think of a generational cycle you WILL break - and make it an individual one (I won’t watch TV as much as my parents, I won’t over-work like my mum, I won’t allow myself to become physically unhealthy in _____ way) and take action on that TODAY.
Commit to your relationship regardless of what others think. What if love is about the two people in love? We’ve been taught that we cannot trust ourselves, and that we need someone to tell us if it’s right or wrong. Entertain the opposite of that. What if you CAN trust yourself?
Earning confidence means taking a risk. It means you cannot wait for an external guarantee - you must just decide. Just as you don’t know if a rental lease will work out, or your investment will appreciate, or a job will stress you or fulfil you, or if you’ll even wake up in the morning! You also don’t have a guarantee that you’ll die in bed with your partner ‘The Notebook’ style. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and relationships are part of life. Take the risk. Take another risk. Get good at taking risks.
Ultimately, decide to commit and see what that’s like. Pretend you’re in your relationship no matter what: till death do us part. Imagine yourself an old lady in a nursing home. What do you say about him if you’ve been with him your entire life? What did you put up with? What was super annoying about Grandpa? What made Grandpa a strong, worthy, and incredible man? What made him a cycle breaker? What cycle is your granddaughter breaking - and why was that her work and not yours? What did you love about him? What do you miss now it’s gone?
They say youth is wasted on the young. Look at life and your relationship with that lens.
PS: remember any trial in relationship science is a 30-90 day trial — you have to stick it out. Lucky! You've hereby got forever.
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With love,
Holly xx